Life, or something like this?

I've been wondering for a few seconds -- this weird thought crossed my mind: what the hell am I doing? I remembered my parents, that day when I kind of told them I'm not going to be any business woman, doctor or an architect. I remember how disappointed they were at that time, since I was learning law and looked pretty inspired. They hoped, probably, that their daughter will be like everyone else.

That may sound a bit crazy, I guess. "Why didn't you give birth to a normal child?", may cross those minds of the mothers who have a special child.
A normal child is rather easy to grow up; can follow a goal and be happy with what being achieved. However, thinking about this saying, I feel quite dirty, why was I born at all?

I mean, I have nothing against my ways of thinking, but sometimes they are so hard... so impossible. Wouldn't it be really easy not taking the crazy, completely random and fun pass? just, you know, live your life with regrets in some office and think to yourself: "what if"? Everyone does it, probably.

"I want money", "I want to look good when I face people", "I want to feel like I have everything I need with a good job and a good salary"... Not blaming anyone, but I find those pretty sentences blank like a lie. For me, it doesn't matter which type of life I live, it matters how I live.

I would go with working in the office, but I don't like it at all. I mean, I'm not being myself for any second of my being. Speaking to every person, I get a different character, a different color, a different tone... I'm feeling like a cloud. Would someone really stand living like this?

For me, the stage, my stage is precious... it knows me, I know it. Something like that. I feel like the only place I can be myself will be the stage.

I hate people, hate being in front of them... but I like this magical world in which for the first time I could be myself without anyone noticing. Just a small, little drop in the whole big mess around. Undercover life, undercover existence and one chance to feel like I forgot everything and became a rose.